


Oral Fixation

by TheFifthCharmedOne



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Bottom Castiel (Supernatural), Dean Winchester Has Self-Worth Issues, Deepthroating, Demisexual Castiel (Supernatural), Friends to Lovers, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, Love Confessions, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Resolved Sexual Tension, Rimming, Suicidal Dean Winchester, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Top Dean Winchester, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-09
Updated: 2020-04-09
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:01:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23537254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheFifthCharmedOne/pseuds/TheFifthCharmedOne
Summary: Pen-caps were the main culprit, Castiel noticed. Beyond that, though, Dean's need to put phallic shaped objects in his mouth had to stop before it drove Castiel to do something he couldn't take back.TRIGGER WARNING: suicidal character, suicidal ideation, and suicide attempt!
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 4
Kudos: 50





	Oral Fixation

**Author's Note:**

> This got way deeper than I initially intended, but oh well. It works. Trigger warning for anyone who's dealt with suicidal ideation or other mental health issues. You are not alone.

Dean Winchester had a habit of chewing on pretty much anything tubular in shape. Almost all of his writing utensils with circular ends had ended up in his mouth at one point or another. His desk was littered with various objects that Dean had been habitually biting for weeks, sometimes even months. Whenever his teeth broke off the object he'd been chewing, he tossed it toward the trash can at the other side of the room with varying degrees of success. When he got the object into the trash, he would ask Castiel if he'd seen him do it, thereby decimating Castiel's ability to focus for the remainder of their study session.

Pen-caps were the main culprit, Castiel noticed. Beyond that, though, Dean's need to put phallic shaped objects in his mouth had to stop before it drove Castiel to do something he couldn't take back.

Realizing he was in love with Dean had been a relatively lackluster event considering it was the first time he'd had feelings for anyone outside of his family. He'd spent most of his life with his nose stuck in a book and, as a result, had read most of the age-appropriate fiction novels at his local library by the time he was 12. Naturally, when the time came, he chose to major in Library Science and had gotten a job at the University of Kansas Library within the first week of his freshman year.

He'd met Sam Winchester first; the younger of the brothers had come to the campus to a) visit his brother and b) see if the library had anything to read that would challenge him. Castiel immediately felt a kinship with Sam, and they became good friends despite their age difference. When Sam introduced Cas to his brother Dean, they didn't get along too well at first. Cas struggled with Dean's constant pop culture references, and Dean had trouble with Cas's know-it-all (admittedly slightly snobbish) attitude. Eventually, the three of them ironed out the wrinkles and became inseparable. You wouldn't know Sam was still in high school because he was at KU so often and he was nearly a full-head taller than Dean.

Now a junior, Castiel had a pretty clear idea of what he wanted to do once he graduated; he'd move out to California, maybe go for his Masters Degree at Stanford (a school that Sam was, coincidentally, interested in applying to) and live out his days as a peaceful librarian that minded his own business.

Predictably, Dean Winchester threw a massive wrench into his well-laid plans. A mechanical engineering major with a love for classic rock, cars, and corny jokes, Dean was far from what Castiel had anticipated his soulmate to be like, but he couldn't help it. Dean was handsome, incredibly smart, modest, great with kids, and a truly wonderful friend. The fact that Dean wanted to stay local and potentially take over his godfather, Bobby Singer's, shop once Bobby retired conflicted with Cas's California dreams.

"Earth to Cas! Come in, Cas!"

A wad of crumpled up looseleaf paper sailed across the room and bonked lightly against Cas's head. Startled, he rolled onto his back and blinked, re-familiarizing himself with reality. Had he really gotten so far into his thoughts that he hadn't heard Dean calling his name?

Dean's face moved into his frame of vision, a pen cap clenched between his teeth.

"Welcome back, sunshine." Dean grinned, and Cas rolled his eyes. Dean also had a habit for giving people nicknames, especially ones that he knew they would resent. This one in particular came from Cas's inability to be a morning person. While Dean could survive on four hours of sleep (or less), Castiel became a feral zombie if he didn't get his typical seven hours. If it got really bad, Dean had learned to leave a cup of black coffee (with two sugars) and a blueberry bagel on Cas's bedside table and come back when his mood lifted. "Where'd you go? It was like you were in a whole other world."

"I was just thinking about when we met." Castiel answered honestly. He'd found that, even though he was keeping his the truth of his feelings from Dean, if he spoke candidly about other things, the ache in the center of his ribcage throbbed less.

"You were an aggressive know-it-all little shit. A male version of Hermione." Castiel cocked an eyebrow. To his knowledge, Dean had never finished reading the Harry Potter series, much to the chagrin of their mutual friend Charlie Bradbury. "What? The audiobooks are awesome. Quit squintin' at me like that."

"If that were true, I'd have saved your life several times over by now." he replied, and Dean snorted.

"What makes you think you haven't?"

There was a knock on their door and then it flew open to reveal both Charlie and Sam.

"Hey, bitches!" Charlie greeted. "What's crack-a-lackin'?"

"Dean has apparently listened to the Harry Potter audiobooks." Castiel informed her. Dean shot him a murderous look when Charlie's entire face lit up and she clapped excitedly. 

"Oooh, yay! Finally! Which one was your favorite?" As Charlie launched into a mostly one-sided debate about the value of the 6th Harry Potter book versus the 4th, Sam sat down beside Castiel on the latter's bed.

"Hello, Sam." Castiel greeted.

"Heya, Cas." The high-schooler replied, but he seemed distracted. This worried Cas, so he promptly asked Sam what was bothering him.

"I don't know. I guess I'm worried about applying to Stanford. What if we can't afford it? What if they don't accept me?" the younger boy chewed on his lip, darting his eyes back and forth. "I can't talk to Dean about this because he doesn't even get why I want to get out of Kansas."

"Have you tried?" Castiel inquired, to which he got a noncommittal shrug. In Winchester-ese, that meant 'no.' "Well, I think you should. Give him a chance to surprise you. He's certainly shocked me more times than I can count." Sam glanced up at him, eyes wide, and Castiel wished he could take the words he'd just said and shove them back down his gullet. "Sam-"

The other conversation (well, mostly just Charlie hammering Dean with questions and not giving him adequate time to answer) had halted abruptly. Charlie, Dean, and Sam were all staring at Cas like he'd grown an extra appendage where he wasn't supposed to have. "What?" Cas self-consciously rubbed his face, his day-old stubble prickling against his fingers and palms.

"Well, I'm starved." Sam announced, breaking the tension. "I know! Let's go to the Roadhouse!"

"For once, you had a good idea, Sammy." Dean grabbed his jacket from the command hook on the wall. Charlie resumed her incessant questioning, and Dean let her because she was like the little sister he'd never had.

For his part, Castiel tried to enjoy their time out together, but he couldn't stop thinking about what Dean had said before Sam and Charlie had come into the room. 

_"What makes you think you haven't?" ___

____

____

Had Dean's life been in danger and Cas wasn't aware? He didn't have a clue how that could be possible, considering they were roommates and spent much of their time together outside of their classes. He found himself staring at Dean, trying to unlock the secrets that he hid behind a charming smile and an addiction to chewing phallic objects.

Speaking of Dean's oral fixation, he currently had a straw in his mouth that he chewed on as he laughed at something Charlie said. Cas swallowed hard against the wave of desire that rolled through him. All he could hear was the dull buzz that filled his mind with static. What could Dean have going on that he wasn't aware of?

"Are we ready to order?" Their server's reappearance marked the second time today that Cas had to be pulled out of some sort of Dean-centric reverie.

He wasn't usually this careless when it came to his affection, but he couldn't ignore how deeply unsettled he felt either.

Once they'd all eaten dinner and Dean had flirted heavily with their blonde server (her name was Reneé), Dean drove everyone home. Once Dean and Cas were alone in the car, Cas felt it was okay for him to stare openly at Dean once more. It took him a few moments to realize that the car was slowing down and that Dean was pulling over. Once he'd put it in park and turned off the engine, he turned his springtime grass green eyes on Cas.

"You've been starin' holes in my face for the last five hours." Dean informed him without preamble. "Is there somethin' on your mind, Cas?" Cas's brow puckered as he considered how to approach the subject delicately. 

"What you said earlier...before Charlie and Sam came into the room." Dean's jaw clenched, but Cas continued. 'What makes you think you haven't?' What did you mean by that, Dean?"

Dean ran a hand over his face and pressed his lips together.

"I guess you aren't going to let it go, are you?" Cas shook his head, and Dean sighed.

"Look, uh. Sophomore year really messed me up an' it was your friendship that helped me through it." Dean's Kansas twang snuck into his voice, so Castiel knew he was being truthful. "My dad, uh. He threatened to stop payin' my tuition when I told him I was bi. Said he'd um..." he paused, considering what to say. "Said he'd beat it out of me if I didn't shape up."

"Dean." Cas's heart ached to console Dean, but he resisted. He got the sense that any attempt at tactile comfort would be misconstrued as pity, and Dean hated people pitying him. It didn't matter if that wasn't Castiel's intention at all, Dean would still see it that way and would clam up faster than a journalist with a good scoop. 

"KU's the only place where I feel like I can be myself." Dean said roughly. He cleared his throat but Cas could still hear the pain in between Dean's words. "And you're a big part of that."

"Me?"

"Of course you." Dean met his eyes for the first time in a few minutes and Cas's heart broke further to see that Dean was holding back tears. "You are so completely and totally yourself. You don't answer to anyone and you don't give a rat's ass what others think. I _wish _I could be like you."__

_Cas thanked all the deities in the world that it was dark because he wasn't sure he'd be able to explain away the glowing blush on his face._

"Dean, that's extraordinarily kind of you but I think I've given you the wrong impression." Dean stared at him expectantly. Castiel sighed, nervously playing with his fingers. "I'm...demisexual. It means that I don't develop sexual attraction for someone unless I've developed a strong emotional bond first. As such, I'm on the asexuality spectrum and I don't think about sex or anything related to it the same way you do. Because of that, I've developed the proclivity to be aloof and appear as though I don't care when in reality..." He paused, looking deeply into Dean's eyes before deciding to go for it. "I care quite a lot."

Rain began to patter against the windows and windshield of the Impala. Dean looked out into the road and turned on the engine. 

"We oughta get home before the campus floods." he explained, and Cas let him do it because they both had things to think about and there was no reason to continue their conversation at this juncture. He wasn't foolish enough to think that their discussion had concluded, however.

He just didn't expect it to come up again so soon.

It was an ordinary Saturday in the Winchester-Novak dormitory. Dean was studying while listening to Metallica at a worrying volume through his headphones, and Cas was getting ready to leave for his afternoon/evening shift at the library. As usual, Dean had a pen cap in his mouth and he was chomping at it vigorously. He paused every few minutes to write out some notes, but his obsession with chewing on small objects had not wavered.

Castiel was grateful that he would have a break at work because, now that he knew for sure Dean was bi, his feelings were wreaking even more havoc on him than they normally did. They were practically screaming at him to take the pen cap out of Dean's mouth and replace it with the gentle and loving kisses the other boy so deserved. He had to force himself not to pull Dean's chair back and straddle him, run his hands through his best friend's perfect light blond hair as he kissed all the skin he could reach. It took all of his effort to avoid tipping Dean's head back away from his homework and give him a Spider-Man kiss, the way Tobey Maguire had to Kirsten Dunst.

The sound of Cas's phone ringing made them both jump, and Cas clambered to answer it through the fog of lust that had invaded his sensible mind. Dean pulled one headphone out of his ear to listen to Cas's side of the conversation. "Hello, Hannah. Oh, no! The library flooded in the storm? I'll be there as soon as I-" he stopped short, listening. "Oh. Are you sure that you and Balthazar don't need help? I'm scheduled to be there anyway, I'll be happy to--oh, okay then. Thank you for telling me. Goodbye."

"What's up?" asked Dean. Cas glanced at him and then quickly glanced away, removing his jacket before answering.

"Last night's flood was a particularly bad one. The archive level has been almost entirely destroyed; the water was almost knee level before anyone realized what was going on." Cas ran a hand through his hair, clearly distraught. "That's hundreds of irreplaceable university documents that are completely useless now."

"Man," Dean commented, not sure what else to say. 

"Hannah told me not to come in because the provost told her that only staff who were already there when the flood started can help clean it up."

"That seems counterproductive. Shouldn't he want all hands on deck?"

"Agreed, but he signs our paychecks so we can't argue with him."

"Well, I guess you're stuck with me for the night, then." Dean said after a beat, grinning. Cas tried to smile but it came out forced and weak. In return, Dean tried not to take that personally. "Hey - we should take advantage of this and go down to the lounge. Watch some movies." He took his other headphone out and closed his notebook.

"Don't you have a midterm to study for?"

"It can wait. I don't often get you all to myself."

"Dean, we live together." Cas replied flatly, despite the way his heart skittered at Dean's word choice.

"In a dorm with over 100 other guys and girls." he countered. "Come on, we can watch Star Wars!"

"Again? We've seen it six times!"

"It's a timeless classic!"

In the end, Dean won the argument, though it wasn't much of one to begin with.

#•#•#•

Cas was proud of himself. He'd made it through the entirety of A New Hope without losing his cool and tackling Dean, even when the latter constantly tested his resolve. Now they were watching _Empire Strikes Back _and had just gotten to the scene where Han and Leia shared their first kiss.__

_Leia was dutifully working on something in the Millennium Falcon when Han came up behind her and "tried to help" only to get shouldered sharply in the chest. Leia asked Han to stop calling her 'Worship' to which Han responded "Sure, Leia." As Leia continued to struggle with the device, she told Han,_

__

__

_"You know you make it really difficult sometimes." ___

____

____

_"I know, I really do." Leia exhaled slightly as she continued to work the object into place. "You could be a little nicer though. ...Come on, admit it, sometimes you think I'm all right." Leia cursed under her breath when her knuckle hit the metal she'd been fiddling with and she sucked on the hurt lightly. "Occasionally. Maybe. When you aren't acting like a scoundrel." Han carefully took Leia's hand, checking the bruise with a glance. Then he focused solely on Leia. ___

_"Scoundrel. Scoundrel?" he grinned wickedly. "I like the sound of that." Han carefully caressed Leia's injured hand, and she looked into his eyes for a brief moment only to break eye contact as he moved closer and she was backed into the wall. ___

_"Stop that." ___

_"Stop what?" He leaned down to kiss her injury. ___

_"Stop that, my hands are dirty." ___

_"My hands are dirty too. What're you afraid of?" ___

_"Afraid?" scoffed Leia. ___

_"You're trembling." ___

_"I'm not trembling." Leia shook her head slightly, trying to deny what they both knew. ___

_"You like me because I'm a scoundrel." Leia continued to try and shake her head even as Han leaned in more and more. "There aren't enough scoundrels in your life." ___

_"I happen to like nice men," Leia replied, her voice going breathy as they began to share air. Han nodded slowly, clearly not believing her. ___

_"Nice men..." ___

_"Very ni--" Their lips finally met, and they kissed for too few seconds before C-3PO interrupted them. ___

"Ya know, I had a crush on both Han and Leia as a kid. Sammy only liked Leia, so I pretended to only like her, but I thought about Han a lot too." Dean told Cas without taking his eyes from the screen. "Cas, can I ask you a question?"

"You just did." Cas teased, and Dean shot him a look. "Of course, Dean. Anything." Dean snatched the remote from the table in front of the tv, pausing the movie mid-transition. 

"You said last night that being...demisexual meant that you can only be sexually attracted to someone if you've been friends first, right?"

"More or less." answered Cas. "Why?"

Dean didn't answer for a few moments too long, and Cas took a chance and gently turned Dean's face toward him by pressing two of his fingers to the other's mandible. Somehow, Dean had a pen cap in his mouth and was now chewing furiously. 

"Your dentist must have a field day with your teeth!" Cas exclaimed with a surprised laugh, only half-joking. "It's a wonder you haven't permanently damaged them with how much plastic you consume."

"It's a nervous habit." said Dean. Cas cocked his head to the right inquisitively.

"Nervous?" It was too much to hope that Dean returned his feelings. Far too much. "Why did you ask about that, Dean?" 

Dean half-shrugged, which was Winchester-ese for 'I'm embarrassed and I want to stop talking about this particular thing.'

Cas wasn't going to let it go that easily, however. "I will throw away every pen you have if you don't tell me." he threatened, his voice accidentally going deeper. Dean's eyes widened, his pupils dilating with...arousal?

"I'll just...buy more." Dean cleared his throat, taking the cap out of his mouth briefly to inspect it. Of course it was covered in Dean's saliva, which sent Cas's mind to a lewd place so fast his head spun. "Do you have an issue with me chewin' on pen caps or somethin'?"

"It's unsanitary, for one." Cas replied. "Two, it's incredibly bad for your teeth and the inside of your mouth," he took the offending cap from Dean's hand and threw it across the room. It landed in the corner with a far-away, tiny clattering sound."And three, you could be spreading viruses and bacteria to anyone you lend the pen too. How often have you given Charlie one of your monstrosities so she could write her name at the top of her test? Or Sam?"

"Not gonna lie, Cas, it kinda feels like I'm on trial for somethin'." Dean glanced toward the spot where the cap had been thrown as if he were a puppy whose owner had discarded their favorite toy. Cas exhaled through his nose and leaned away from Dean before standing up. "Where are you going? We still have one and a half movies left!"

"I'm going to bed." Cas snapped, instantly feeling guilty when he saw the way Dean completely shut down. His face shuttered and his jaw feathered heavily as he stared furiously at the television. Cas gathered his phone and made his way toward the door. To his surprise, Dean got up as well and turned off the television before ejecting the DVD and making moves to follow Cas back to their dorm room.

"I meant it when I said I don't get you to myself too often." he told Cas as an explanation. "So go, sunshine." he made a shooing motion with his hand, and Castiel's heart churned with guilt. 

"Dean..." he murmured, unsure what else to say. Should he apologize? Should he pretend everything was normal? Should he...?

"Cas, make up your mind." Dean grumbled through gritted teeth. "Either go or don't." Cas went, holding the swinging door open for Dean habitually. "I'm not a girl, I can open the door for myself." he snarked, and Castiel sighed once again. 

This was going to be a long night.

#•#•#•

Once they were back in their dorm room, it took all of ten seconds for Dean to start chewing on a pen cap again. Castiel tried to ignore it, but the sound and the visuals his mind had been steadily supplying had brought him to his wit's end.

"Dean, would you _please _stop chewing on that damn cap?" Cas requested, and the munching stopped abruptly. Without a word, Dean threw the cap toward the trash can. It missed, but landed near the vicinity of the receptacle, so Dean would consider it a victory. "So, we're doing the silent treatment now?" he asked sarcastically. "That's very mature."__

"You're the one that has a problem, not me!" Dean spun around in his chair, staring at Cas furiously.

"Your habit is disgusting and I've had enough!" Castiel replied, closing the book he'd been reading with a thump. "I'm going to Charlie's." he got up and made to leave, but before he could, Dean was out of his chair, had his right hand on the door and his left forearm against Cas's ribcage. 

Their breaths mingled and Cas felt he might go cross-eyed trying to stare Dean down. 

"You want to know what I think?" Dean asked, his breath hot against Castiel's chin. "I don't think this is about the pen caps at all."

"Oh no?" Castiel challenged, even as his heart began hammering.

Dean leaned forward and practically pressed his mouth to Castiel's ear as he whispered,

"No."

The steel bar/arm that had been holding Cas in place moved suddenly, and Dean pressed his palm against Cas's chest, watching with amazement as the organ proceeded to beat even faster. "It's like a fucking sledgehammer."

"Dean, let me go." Castiel bowed his head, shame flooding his cheeks with color. So Dean had figured it out and now he was choosing to torment Cas even further by mocking him, just to make sure Cas knew his feelings were unrequited. "This is low, even for you."

"What is?"

"What is?!" Castiel asked incredulously. "This! You! Most people would be _flattered _when they found out their best friend was in love with them, but not you, oh no. No, you have to be a complete a-assbutt about it!"__

"You're in love with me?"

"And now he repeats it, as if it wasn't abundantly clear already!" Cas scoffed, laughing incredulously but humorlessly at the same time. "You want to know why I hate your pen-chewing habit so much? Because it nearly drives me mad with lust every time you do it. Because watching you flirt with girls causes me physical _pain _, Dean. Because...because..." he inhaled deeply. "Because no matter how hard I try, I simply cannot stop loving you." His voice broke.__

____

____

Dean blinked, trying to process everything Cas was telling him. To Cas, it looked more and more like rejection. His heart, poor, beleaguered thing that it was, still beat like he'd been running in a marathon, though this was mostly adrenaline now.

Cas yanked his jacket from the hook and threw open the door, desperate for fresh air and to for the searing pain in his chest to stop. He'd always believed broken hearts were metaphorical, but if this agony was anything to go by, they were most definitely not a figure of speech. If Dean called out for him, he didn't hear it.

The further away he got from the dorm, the more his anger and hurt ebbed. He still felt them, but they weren't quite as violent as the volcanic eruption he'd caused in front of Dean. He groaned and stared up at the sky, as if the stars would give him some kind of answer. The night was remarkably clear for urban Kansas, and Cas automatically searched for the North Star as his father had taught him to do whenever he felt lost.

In some sick twist of karmic fate, he found it resting directly over Shurley Hall.

"Are you trying to tell me something?" asked Cas, gesturing to the inky cosmos above him. "That I should go back and - and..." His heart lurched when an absolutely horrific thought occurred to him.

He took off in a sprint, his sneakers slapping against the concrete path that led up to their dormitory. He was barely able to get his student ID to slide through the reader in a straight line so that the doors would unlock. He ignored everyone who waved or said hi, trying to make his fingers work properly. His hands shook violently as he fumbled with his keys. It took too many tries for him to get the door open, but once he did, he released a terrified gasp.

Dean had fashioned a noose out of bedsheets, tied it to the doorknob, and was now hanging from their door, unconscious and not breathing.

"No no no no no no no no." Castiel frantically untied the bedsheets from the doorknob, careful not to let Dean's far-too-limp form crash to the floor. He struggled to get the noose undone - Dean had been in Boy Scouts once upon a time - and when he did, he prayed that Dean would just wake up and be okay.

He wasn't.

Castiel leaned down and listened for any sign of breathing. He opened Dean's mouth slightly so that there would be room for air intake and forced compressions into Dean's chest as hard as he could. "Breathe, dammit. Come on Dean, please. Breathe. Come back to me." Memories of Dean smiling up at him with a pen cap between his teeth, of him blowing the straw wrapper at Sam when they went to the Roadhouse, (had that only been the night before?) of him throwing popcorn when something happened on screen that he didn't like...

When that didn't work, he pressed his mouth over Dean's, attempting to force air back into his body. "Please, Dean, I'm sorry. I love you. Don't leave me." Tears filled Cas's eyes as he desperately tried to resuscitate the boy he loved. "You can chew on as many pen caps as you want as long as you come back to me. I...I need you."

Suddenly, as if a light had been switched on, Dean gasped and coughed, his hand going to his throat. Tears fell from Cas's eyes as Dean blinked back into awareness. He tackled Dean to the floor, pressing his face into the other man's neck and inhaling his scent. Soap, motor oil, and the faintest spicy cologne assailed his nostrils. He leaned back and held both sides of Dean's face, searching his eyes.

"C-Cas? W-What happened?"

"You tried to kill yourself." Cas told him as gently as he could muster. He let Dean sit up and scrambled to get a bottle of water from the pack they shared. The sound of the seal breaking seemed to echo in their too-quiet dormitory. Dean took several gulps and Cas watched the lines of his throat work. For once, his body didn't respond with arousal at the action. Instead, he just relished in the relief that Dean was okay.

"Since I'm still breathin' air, I gather I was unsuccessful?" Dean attempted to crack a lopsided smile, but Cas just shook his head. "Hey." Dean reached up and pressed his thumb against Cas's cheek, wiping away the tears that still lingered there. His left hand came up to wipe away the tear on Cas's other cheek. "You...saved my life, Cas."

"Of course I did." Cas replied, hiccuping around the softball of emotion in his throat. "I couldn't - wouldn't - let you die. Not like that, and not for many, many more decades."

Cas helped Dean get to his feet and led him to his own bed. Dean had removed his own bedsheets to make the noose, and he stared at the curled up material as if he didn't know what it was.

"I'm sorry I scared you, Cas." Dean said, tossing his now empty water bottle across the room. It landed in the trash bin with a satisfying swoosh. "I just...as soon as you left, my dad called me and started ripping me a new one, telling me how worthless I am and how much he wished I'd never been born..." He stared at a spot under his bed, swallowing thickly. "He was drunk - not that it makes it any better, but, uh, drunk words are sober thoughts and all that...I just couldn't deal. I figured that if you and dad both hated me then...the world would be better off without me in it." He lifted his head up and Cas's stomach dropped at the tears threatening to fall from Dean's eyes. "I didn't really want to die...I just didn't want to be here anymore."

Cas pulled him into an embrace, not giving a damn about hiding his feelings. Not only did he know about them now, but keeping Dean in the dark seemed far less important than it had before. Cas ran a hand through Dean's hair, cradling his head against his chest. He stared out the window and mentally thanked whoever had warned him that something was wrong.

Eventually, they fell asleep cuddled like that, Cas's hands still holding Dean like he was precious.

#•#•#•

Cas woke up first and groggily groped for his phone. It was early, but he somehow felt rested. He glanced down at Dean's sleeping form, grateful for each breath the other boy took. At some point in the night, they'd laid down together and had kicked off their shoes. Then Cas took on the role of big spoon as he attempted to make sense of everything that had transpired over the last 12 hours.

Dean woke up about an hour later, shifting as he made sense of where he was.

"Good morning, Dean." Cas greeted him. "How'd you sleep?"

"Awesome." Dean answered. "Uh, Cas? Why are we in your bed? Together?"

"I'm not letting you out of my sight for the next 36 to 48 hours." Castiel answered, and Dean shot him a confused look over his shoulder. "I've already looked into getting someone to take notes for you in your classes. You'll have to go in for your midterms, but I'm handling everything else."

"Wow. I...don't know what to say. Thanks, I guess." He sat up, scratching the side of his face. "Hey, um. What you said last night..."

Cas stiffened. Did Dean remember everything?

"Which part?"

Dean paused, his jaw feathering once more. He turned around on the bed so that he sat on his socked feet and his knees bracketed Castiel's.

"It's kind of hazy but I remember you saying that you were sorry, and that you...loved me...and that you...needed me."

Cas buried his head in his knees, his face on fire.

"I guess this is the part where you reject me, huh?" Cas said to his legs, his voice muffled but still distinguishable. "Tell me that I'm a good friend, or that I'm like family to you...but you don't feel that way about me..."

"Cas, stop it. I'm tryin' to confess somethin' here!" Cas's head shot up so fast that he thwacked it against the cinderblock wall.

"Ouch! What?"

"I'm trying to tell you that I love you too!" Dean exclaimed, color blooming behind his freckles. "I mean...I was hoping it would be smoother than that but--mmph!"

Cas launched himself forward and pinned Dean under him, kissing him feverishly. Dean quickly took control of the kiss and the mattress squeaked in protest as the two young men flipped around once more, now with Dean on top and Cas underneath. "Eager, are we?" he teased, dragging his tongue along the underside of his teeth. Cas stared up at him, his eyes wide with shock and pupils dilated hungrily. "I'm gonna slow down and enjoy this." Dean murmured, leaning down and pressing gentle kisses to Cas's chin, jaw, down his neck and behind each of his ears.

Cas let out a shuddering sigh/moan that had Dean chuckling against his collarbone. "You make the prettiest noises." Dean slowed things down even more, taking Cas's earlobe between his teeth. Cas hissed and bucked his hips upward. Dean let go of Cas's ear and whispered huskily, "Is that a pen in your pocket or are you happy to see me?"

"Stop...teasing." Cas pleaded even as Dean continued to lather his jawline with open mouthed abandon. Dean moved down to the juncture between Cas's neck and shoulder, sucking oh so gently and then licking the small hurt to ease the pain. "Ooh... _fuck _..."__

__As he was giving Cas quite the love bite, Dean had managed to get his hands underneath Cas's hoodie and t-shirt, running calloused hands over soft skin. His thumbs experimentally brushed Castiel's nipples, which made him positively keen. Cas wriggled out of his hoodie and Dean helped him pull off his t-shirt._ _

__"Time to put that pen cap biting to good use." Dean grinned wickedly. He gave each nipple his undivided attention, the nubs red and sensitive by the time he made his way down Cas's belly to his sweatpants. The other boy's erection pressed insistently against the thin fabric, begging to be freed._ _

__"You're...w-wearing too m-many clothes." Cas complained even as he lifted his bottom to help Dean take off the sweatpants._ _

__"No boxers," Dean commented lightly. "Were you expecting somethin'?"_ _

__Cas tried to speak intelligently, but he forgot what words were the moment Dean's warm, wet mouth took in 2/3 of his dick. "O-Oh,_ Dean_!"

"That's it baby, say my name like that. I wanna hear you beg." Dean pressed his nose against Cas's ballsack, inhaling the sweet yet musky scent of arousal and sweat. He swirled his tongue around the base of Cas's cock, watching as Cas fell apart above him.

"Fuck, Dean, I'm close! Ah!" All at once, Dean had Cas's whole dick down his throat and Cas couldn't hold back any longer. Thick, ropey ejaculate shot down Dean's throat as he shouted through his climax. Dean lapped it all up like a lollipop. Cas completely noodled against the bed, staring at Dean with an expression of unrepressed longing. "I want you to fuck me." he said after a moment, and Dean, whose cock had been slowly losing interest, perked up. "Please, Dean."

"When you ask so nicely, how can I refuse?" asked Dean, and once again his Kansas twang infiltrated his voice, sending goosebumps all over Castiel's skin. "You ready now?"

"I've been ready for over a year." Cas answered. "But you have to get naked. I'm not getting denim burn on my ass."

"So bossy." Dean chuckled lightly, unbuttoning the plaid shirt he'd been wearing the day before and tossing it to the ground. He undid and stepped out of his jeans, his boxers pooled with them on the floor. Cas stared at him lustily, craving to count the freckles that covered his body. They would save that for another time. "Turn over." Cas did so, and Dean knelt down, taking gentle bites out of Cas's ass as he did. Cas yelped and Dean kissed each cheek. "Sorry, darlin'. Your ass was sent from heaven." Dean's hand brushed down the cleft of Cas's ass, His ring caught on the puckered skin around Cas's hole and the other boy released a broken moan.

Dean smiled and, after making sure Cas was 100% okay with it, pressed his pointer finger into the other boy's entrance. Cas hissed at the intrusion, even as Dean did it so slow and gentle that Cas wanted to cry. A few pumps of one finger, and Dean pressed two in. The stretch was a glorious pain for Cas, who screamed his pleasure into a pillow. Dean pulled two fingers out, watching with amazement as Cas's hole gaped at him. "You ain't seen anything yet."

"Dean!" Cas cried as Dean's fingers were replaced with his tongue. He did the rest of the prep that way, and Cas clutched his blankets, unable to stop the noises of pleasure.

"If you ask me if I'm ready one more time..." Cas threatened once Dean paused to stand up and line himself up to Cas's pretty little hole. Dean smirked slowly, leaning forward and pressing the head of his cock into Cas's ass. Cas let out a shout, begging to be filled up. Soon enough, Dean was balls deep inside his best friend, his palms pressed against Cas's shoulder blades. His hips moved seemingly of their own accord, fucking into Cas like their lives depended on it. 

"Shit, baby, I'm close." Dean warned, pulling out to finish himself off. 

"Don't you dare stop." Cas ground out, his voice like freshly poured gravel. "I want you to come inside me." 

Now dizzy with lust, Dean slammed back into Cas, jackhammering him so hard that there was barely any time between the telltale slaps of skin on skin. Dean spilled his load quickly after that, slowing down into lazy jerks of his hips. Cas made a needy noise and gestured for Dean to get back on the bed. Before he did though, Dean grabbed a pen cap and hid it inside his cheek. 

Once the two lovers were cuddled comfortably, he took out the pen cap and began chewing on it once more. Cas groaned while Dean laughed. 

"You're lucky I'm too sex-addled to be mad at you." Cas told him, turning away. Dean pulled him into an embrace. 

"I ain't lettin' you go that easy." Dean murmured, pressing his lips to Cas's sweaty hairline. "I love you, Cas." 

"I love you too, Dean." responded Cas. He plucked the pen cap from between Dean's lips and threw it across the room. Before Dean could protest, Cas pulled him into a heated kiss, and let's just say there wasn't a lot of talking after that. 

**Author's Note:**

> Well.
> 
> This has got to be the dirtiest, filthiest, smuttiest thing I've ever written. It's also some of the darkest; I worry about myself sometimes, I really do.
> 
> Anyway, if you made it all the way down here, great! Thanks so much for reading. I would love feedback or kudos; anything really.
> 
> Until next time,  
> -Charmy


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